[Quick context: I share a blog with my best friend, S, and it’s filled with random posts about our lives/friendship- may it be inside jokes, differences in opinions, perspective on life, weird things that it seems like only the two of us do… and more recently, we’ve been leaving each other questions for the other to answer. In this particular instance, I left her a relatively difficult question – one that I was going to blog about on here. Here it goes…]
Q: What’s the biggest thing you’ve learnt about yourself in 2016 and why has it made such an impact?
I’d like to start off with the fact that I love solitude. I thrive in my ‘alone time’. I’m one of those people that would rather be out and about by myself than go out with a ‘squad’.
This year, has been significantly different to my previous years. My love for solitude remained but it has made me realise that I am a lot more reliant on my sisters than I’d ever care to admit; and I guess this could be attributed to a series of significant changes or events in 2016.
So with my rent going up at my previous apartment, and P&N wanting to move closer to the city, we collectively decided to move into a 3bdr apartment in the same area as my previous place. This move saves us all a lot of money but still provides us with a brand new apartment, great onsite facilities and close proximity to everything – the city, the station, the beaches, and not too far from mum’s and dad’s.
I didn’t know how bad or how good of a decision this would be in the long run, but it was a decision I didn’t take lightly because of my history with my sister (yeah there were phases in our lives where I wanted to punch her in the face).
I was prepared for the worst case scenarios, but I was not prepared to grow closer or even clingy-er to P. I found myself waiting for her to come home from work, sad whenever our work timings don’t line up (i.e when she leaves early and comes home early but I get home much later so we end up not seeing each other), we coordinated our train times on our way to work, etc. We basically bonded a lot more than I expected.
The sad part hits me when I want to do something with her but she can’t because she’s already made plans with her husband. She tries to include me but sometimes it doesn’t feel like we’re all hanging out, it’s like them and then me?
Touring around the Philippines
So my one and only vacation this year was in the Philippines, with K & C, prior to their wedding. It was an absolute blast and boy am I lucky to have had C with us – he was such an older brother for me and I don’t think I can express my gratitude enough.
My time with them has been amazing, but spending 4 weeks with just the three of us has only made me realise (again, like above) that it was the two of them, plus me.
Whenever we’d do an activity that required two people, it would always be the two of them, and I’d have to do it on my own; which is a stark contrast to how K & I used to be. And like I said, I love doing things by myself – but I guess it’s the feeling it leaves me with that really gets me down.
The J wedding was also held in the Philippines so most of what I said in the previous section hold true. The key thing I wanted to say was that the wedding was like the ‘nail to the coffin’ in terms of realising that K, someone whom I was inseparable with at some point in my life, was again, someone I had to let go.
My Maid of Honour speech was pretty truthful and transparent about how I felt.
“After some time, I finally adjusted and acknowledged the fact that I had to share K with someone else – someone who i was willing to share my sister with.”
It signified the end of an era – the end of K & A, but the start of K & C.
Since the wedding, everything has been K & C and very rarely been K & A. And ever since then, I’ve realised how much it’s actually hurt me. I guess I never really realised how much the wedding/marriage would actually impact me and my relationship with her.
Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love my sisters to death. My love for them has not diminished at all this year. I know they love me and (hopefully) that’ll never change. All I’m saying is that the dynamic between our relationships have changed.
I guess ever since they met their partners, I kind of knew that I no longer played as big of a role in their lives as I used to. But having gone through these things with them this year has re-iterated the fact that I’m only truly realising now, the I’m no longer a priority in their lives – and that I’m only starting to learn to be okay with that now.
I guess as I head into the new year, I’ll be learning more and more about how to come to terms with this? I’ll just go back to my usual solitude ways – without relying on my sisters for my happiness.
[God, I started this draft over 4 weeks ago… only managed to finish it today, on the last day of the year. Actually, to be completely honest, I had to force myself to finish it today. I have no excuses, but I really had to rush the rest of this post. I’m sorry!]
Happy new year, WPers!